Lacking, Lacking I know... I know

I know I have been lacking lately and yet again I apologize. I want to blog more, I want to make this a big part of my life and some where the boy can look back on (the appropriate posts of course ;) I am "missing" a lot of things in my life as of late and sadly some of that is myself. The journey after infertility and then with a 'Sick' child is an interesting, turmoil of an experience filled with great joy, passion, insane amounts of love, anxiety and fear all rolled into one ball my son calls "Momma" I struggle greatly with knowing "we will not have any more kids" I cant let this go I want another baby, I have always wanted 2 and to think "i only get to have 1" is not sitting well Yes yes i get the whole some ppl cant even have one- I once thought that was us as well and medically it seemed to be Now i wonder if all the issues we were sperm affected with LEOPARD Syndrome and those would have resulted in less healthy then the baby we have so nature was doing its thing Still DOES NOT FILL THIS VOID I need suggestions, how do i come to terms with this!?!? Seems talking about it makes it worse, I talk then i dream, then i regress then i get depressed/anxious and revert into myself I dont even know if this blog has any audience anymore if you are reading this please comment so i dont feel so alone Am thinking of writing on these topics- please add any you WANT me to write about or would like to know more about -- PTSD After a NICU Stay-- -- Being a mom to a child with a CHD-- -- Losing interest in your marriage due to PTSD -- Getting over a preemie And not sure what else to go to from here....