Its crazy to say this but..

I have realized that I may need some help dealing with a "loss" I had just over 2 years ago...

not a miscarriage loss or anything related to ttc....

more so the loss of a friendship.... of a deep connection, of a time where the world stood still...

I had just lost my Grandmother as well, and this pain was very fresh and new...

I had just been made aware of how my ex had cheated on me for quote sometime (we hadn't been together for quite a few months, but i was jut finding out)

I was just opening an adult day program for developmentally delayed adults...and it was Almost Christmas...

There was so much going on, this friend was my rock... my moment of "high" I always felt intoxicated or literally high on life as to when I was around this God Given Friend...

We helped eachother deal with a lot... things were going great... We were about to spend the evening together, this was the day of my Grandmothers funeral.... and then I never heard from them... for ages...out of no where... when I had been talking via text all day... I heard through others that this friend was injured.. .I wanted to do everything I could to help and assist this friend... but i was not allowed to in a legal sense as well... the injuries were great and they were hospitalized...
It was too long before I heard from this friend again... way too long...

The emotions that I was filled with when we were reunited were intense... but perhaps not as mutual as i was still in, i was willing to wait forever to see them again... thats not reality...

life has gone on and I LOVE where I am at, please do not mistaken that for anything else, but I just fully realized today that I do not htink i have mourned this loss in life... that i havent had a good cry over the whole situation, i just pushed it back there in the brain and never thought 2wice about it again....

i should have mourned
i should have cried
i should have felt bad for both of us more
i should have fought for what i thought was right

but i didnt

maybe this is the one life regret i will have forever, or maybe it was the biggest blessing in disguise... i am not sure yet, but when i am, i will tell you...