One of the biggest things i have "overcame" is the fact, that yes, when i was younger, i did engage in Self Harm...
I was a cutter... not one who cut my wrists... but i chose my upper thighs... no one could see these and blame it on attention...
it mainly happened late at night, and i was in such a "trance" when i did it that i barley remembered until i would awake in the morning in extreme pain.
I once told my BFF as i could not take it anymore, i had to tell someone... this lead to be a very un beneficial situation, but life goes on...
They took me to ER to have them looked at, and my Aunt arrived to the hospital while i was speaking to a counselor... later i found out she said the most hurtful thing ever to my bff "she must be doing this for attention"!!! SERIOUSLY, that was the last thing i wanted, i excelled at school, figure skating and was on the badminton team as well, i didn't need more attention...
I truly needed a way to let out some of these CRAZY Emotions... (i was "kicked" out of my step-dads house at 15 separated from my brother who was 8-9 yrs old at the time, my parents had divorced and my mom was at the beginning of her drug usage...)
These emotions were eating me from the inside out, and "cutting" was the only release, the only thing that made me still feel alive and human, as i was a "zombie" most of the time, putting on a fake smile, and acting like i was strong enough to endure it all... I know now that i was not... i know now that cutting is not a great answer to anything... but i do fight the urges often... and assume i will forever.
DH and I have never spoke about these things, and my scars have almost all gone away now... i kind of miss them, they reminded me of the stregnth it took to over come it all...
I get upset when i hear DH talk about ppl who "cut" as he is of the bunch who say they are "attention getters" its not true, its not true! it maybe for some, of course, but to label us sall as that, pisses me off.
I havent truly cut in years, and like i said its a near daily struggle. Especially once you through infertility in the loop as well..
I have other coping methods now, and have gone to lots of cousnelling so there is no need for alarm to anyone but felt the need to release it a little bit more, as it is hard to choose other things to do even now at 25 its hard...
so please do not think differently
please do not label me "one of those"
and just take this as a truly heartfelt post...
love and light
Marly I would never think of you as "attention needing"! Maybe it's something someday you can get the strength to talk to dh about and then maybe he will understand. He loves you and I'm sure he's not trying to hurt you with what he's saying. I think when we go through pain or stress we just try and find anyway to deal with it, and usually that's how we end up with habits that can be unhealthy for us. I haven't suffered from cutting but I have been through depression and not eating or feeling like I wanted to eat. It's hard but after we get through it we come out the other side such a stronger person. I believe that we aren't given more than we can handle (even though we may think at the time we can't handle it!), but somehow we always make it through, and we stronger than ever.
ReplyDeleteThank you Merissa! you are very right!!! It is something overcame, but surfaces every now and then, and it felt so liberating to post this entry :D One day i will be able to talk to him more about it, or maybe not. I am very quiet about the past, but talk about it openly and freely whenever it comes to mind, however that just isnt often :D but its always good when it is, i think the holidays always bring up emotions as well eh? :D
ReplyDeleteYa, I definitely think the holidays bring up things in people that they'd rather not remember. I never thought about it that way before but with all the kids that are currently being thrown into foster care here I'm wondering if that has something to do with it.
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